


Telepathy

by Tempxtempx



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen, I Tried, I kind of guessed at the spelling of the cat's name, If you've listened to more than one episode of this show that's about how weird this fic gets, Telepathy, also snakes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-21
Updated: 2013-07-21
Packaged: 2017-12-20 22:25:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/892605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tempxtempx/pseuds/Tempxtempx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Night Vale residents acquire the ability to read minds. Plus, an interview with the cat hovering in the men's bathroom, a new kid-centric addition to the Night Vale Daily Journal, and a message from the Night Vale Society of Confusion.</p>
<p>Contains characters and references to events up to installment #27 but reads a bit more like earlier episodes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Telepathy

You wake to hear the sound of something dripping on your roof. Is it rain? No, that would be absurd. More than likely, the moon is bleeding again. Welcome to Night Vale.

Listeners, as I'm sure you all know, unless you've been sitting at home by yourself all day, the entire population of our lovely city has developed the ability to read minds. Reports say that eye contact is necessary for mind-reading and that, wow, _that's_ what you think about all the time? Nobody knows yet who or what is responsible for our new telepathic abilities, but I'm sure we'll have an answer eventually. Expect extended wait times when ordering food, as the few seconds saved by your server now being able to lift your order directly from your brain will be countered by the long minutes they may stay in your head, sifting through your thoughts, unearthing your deepest secrets.

Leanne Heart, editor of the Night Vale Daily Journal, announced today that the Journal will begin sending a new children's section out to all subscribers with children under the age of 15. The section will only run stories suitable for the younger citizens of Night Vale. It will consist entirely of coloring pages depicting recent news events, with one- or two- sentence captions at the bottom of the page. Be sure to stock up on red crayons, as many of the pictures will likely depict copious amounts of blood. The ban on writing utensils does not currently include crayons, so take this opportunity to enrich your children's lives while you still can!

Oh, hang on, I'm being handed a note by Intern Veronica. Let's see... ah. Listeners, it appears as if even numbers have been outlawed. The Sheriff's Secret Police are going door-to-door in order to make sure no even numbers are being hidden. If they haven't gotten to you yet, it's best to ensure your weight, height, age, and current house number are all acceptably odd. Those found harboring even numbers will be dealt with severely.

The Sheriff's Secret Police have issued a couple of statements regarding the new telepathic abilities that have sprung up in Night Vale. The first is a notice that all citizens, passers-by, transient beings, and any persons, creatures, or beings living in the city illegally, must report to a mandatory meeting out front of the library later today. The Sheriff's Secret Police would like to take advantage of this opportunity in order to check up on those living in our town, and ensure that everyone is thinking approved thoughts. Each person will be required to stare into the eyes of one of the Secret Police for however long it takes for them to briefly glance through your brain. Do not at any time attempt to read the mind of one of the Secret Police. Attempts will be detected and immediately punished. Those of you who share a body with one or more separate entities must inform the Secret Police so that all of you can properly submit to checks. Those of you, such as the faceless old woman living in your house, who don't have eyes, are required to show up anyway, even though the Secret Police don't yet know how to communicate with you telepathically. They stated that "they're sure they'll figure something out by then." Reminder that only approved thoughts are approved, and that those thinking thoughts that aren't approved will be sent in for correctional training, or, in more severe cases, be declared non-existent.

The next notice states that communicating telepathically with others in an attempt to hold private conversations about unapproved topics is extremely illegal, as well as completely ineffective. It is a long-known truth that agents from a vague yet menacing government agency are capable of reading minds even on days when telepathic communication is not widely available. As a result, all conversations held telepathically with the intent of evading detection are forbidden. Agents would like to remind you that taking the time to read everybody's thoughts is a huge part of their job, and when you try to communicate in this manner, you're really only making more work for them. And they have more important things to do, like catch up on the latest season of their favorite soap opera, so if you could please keep the telepathic communication to a minimum entirely, that would be great.

And now, [the weather](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNYKxiRJ2LA).

Listeners, Intern Veronica had a brilliant idea that was just too good to pass up. During the break, we went to the men's bathroom in order to take this opportunity to hold a conversation with Khoshekh. We wanted to ask him a few questions about himself, and how he's liking it in the station bathroom, and whether he intends to run for mayor.

First, I asked Khoshekh if he knew what he was doing here, either specifically (in the bathroom) or generally (being alive). Khoshekh answered, "Cat Almighty exists for reasons above the understanding of mere mortals. Cat Almighty will not answer that question." I asked him whether he knew why he was stuck hovering next to the sink. He answered, "Cat Almighty is not 'stuck' next to the sink; Cat Almighty chooses to live next to the sink. Cat Almighty could move if he wanted to. Cat Almighty is here for his own purposes." In regards to running for mayor, Khoshekh said, "Cat Almighty does not take that much interest in the governmental structure of this place. Mayor is too low a title for Cat Almighty, anyway." I asked whether he backed one of the current candidates, and he answered "Cat Almighty supports the election of one of the candidates. You will know which one Cat Almighty supports when they are elected mayor. You do not need to know until then." In closing, I asked whether he had any thoughts he would like for me to tell the citizens of Night Vale. In response, he opened his mouth and proceeded to emit a dial tone at excruciatingly high volume and began to shoot needles from his tail.

While I was interviewing Khoshekh, Intern Veronica attempted to hold conversations with the kittens. She reports that none of them seemed to be able to do anything other than meow, except for the smallest one, who could communicate, but only in lyrics from Madonna songs. Veronica says that the kitten appears to be enjoying herself and is living in a material world.

And now for traffic. We've been getting reports that parts of Main Street seem to have disappeared. If you were relying on Main Street being there today, consider walking instead; sidewalks still seem to be mostly in working order. No word yet on when Main Street will again be fully functioning. This has been traffic.

I just received a text from Former Intern Dana, who has been living in the forbidden Dog Park. She said that she's doing well; she found a few bushes with berries on them, and they at least appear to not be poisonous, as she's been eating from them for the past several days. She says that she talked again today with the man in the tan jacket. She says that the conversation must have been important, because she can no longer remember what it was about. She wonders whether anybody has any ideas on how to remember important conversations after the fact. If anyone out there has any ideas, please send them in. Listeners, I really appreciate Dana for all the work and risk that she's been putting in lately in the name of quality reporting. She's been going far above and beyond the call of duty, and I think that she might just make employee of the month, if she ever manages to get out of the Dog Park. I'd like to have a minute of silence right now in honor of her and the valuable service that she's currently providing.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Purple. Blood, roses, a dramatic sunset. Purple. A heart, still beating, bringing life. Purple. The color of that one hill, you know the one, when you look at it funny. Purple. The color that Santa would wear, if he were real. Purple.

Thanks to the Night Vale Society of Confusion for sponsoring us, guys. They're great! The NVSC will be holding their twelfth public meeting three days from now. Find the location of the meeting printed on the back of your latest Arby's receipt. Admission may or may not be $8.

Scientists reported earlier today that there is a dramatic decrease in the rodent population of Night Vale, which could indicate an increased population of snakes. Those who heard the report immediately shouted, 'of course there's an increase in the snake population; where have you been for the past two days?' I'm inclined to agree there, because it's really very hard to miss such a well-publicized event as what's been going on out front of the Dog Park, but to be fair, they do spend an awful lot of time holed up in their labs. Well, to any scientists listening, or for those of you no longer able to leave your houses, here's what's been going on.

Two days ago, one of our Night Vale citizens was walking next to the dog park when suddenly his clothes turned into snakes, which immediately began to attack him. Once he became insensible and huddled on the ground, the snakes slithered off of him and into the Dog Park. Medical professionals who approached in an attempt to rescue the man met the same fate themselves, and soon there was a large pile of unclothed doctors, all lying on the ground, all screaming. The last doctor had the smart idea to use a branch to scoot the doctors out of harm's way. It appears that anywhere within fifteen feet of the dog park borders is unsafe, and stepping in that perimeter will result in the same fate as befell the man and doctors. A line has been marked in chalk outside the dog park to show where the danger lies. Please do not cross the line. Our rodent population will only continue to decrease with added snakes, and also they're running out of antivenom at the hospital, and may soon have to start experimental treatment instead if people continue to get too close to the Dog Park.

Correction to an earlier news piece: I reported earlier that even numbers had been made illegal. It seems there was a mix-up somewhere, because this report is incorrect. Even numbers aren't being outlawed, odd numbers are. Exceptions are being made for prime numbers. Apologies are in order for any confusion the earlier report may have caused.

Well, listeners, it seems as if the citizens of our town no longer have the ability to read minds. I myself didn't notice this until we started getting reports from concerned listeners who could no longer probe their enemies' minds for signs of weakness. Intern Veronica attempted to read my mind during the corrections, and is indicating that she can no longer do so. She says we've been getting many calls from Night Vale citizens who are worried that they will no longer to be able to communicate with their friends as deeply as they had become accustomed to, now that they no longer have the ability to communicate in that most direct of ways. Many are also confused about why we are no longer able to communicate telepathically, or indeed, why we were able to in the first place. Old Woman Josie says that the angels know what caused the phenomenon but are refusing to tell her, while Teddy Williams says that clearly the telepathy was an attack by the small army that originated underneath lane five of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. How exactly the presence and subsequent disappearance of telepathic abilities is supposed to be an offense, he didn't know, but he seemed very convinced of his explanation. Myself, I think this is one of those things that we simply aren't meant to know the answer to. Remember, listeners, you don't have to know _everything_. In fact, there are some things that you should absolutely not know, like **-beep-** or **-beep-**. Think about it, for a minute. Do you really need to know the origin of our temporary telepathy in order to be happy? No? Then don't waste time worrying over it, and just accept that it happened.

In response to the many of you who aren't sure how to continue with your lives without your telepathy, think back with me for a minute and see if you can remember yesterday. Yesterday, before the telepathy existed. Remember all the conversations you had with your friends. Remember how much you loved them. Remember how you used to communicate, with words and gestures and facial expressions. Then, try to do the same again. Remember, listeners, words are the single best way to express yourself and make your thoughts and feelings known. Try some words right now. Turn to whoever is nearest you and string together some words, tell them how you feel. Bonus points if the words actually accurately reflect your feelings toward them. Listeners, let me tell you now that words between you and those you love are your single brightest source of comfort in this terrifying thing we call life. Don't be afraid to use them.

I leave you now with half an hour of silence followed by twenty minutes of screaming and then ten minutes of polka music, both performed by the Night Vale Symphony Orchestra.

Goodnight, Night Vale, goodnight.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to tumblr in general for informing me of this series. Special thanks to Jaz for beta-ing this thing and smothering me in compliments.  
> Extra special thanks to you for reading this.  
> If there's ever an agreed-upon way to spell the cat's name, please feel free to message me and I'll change it.
> 
> The Weather is Too Much Time on my Hands by Styx. I didn't have any quirky indie music for you, as the one song I wanted to use doesn't appear to exist anymore, and this was the next best thing.


End file.
